Am I Sane?

My talent for writing has been overcome with the lack of interest and sad to say it is slowly deteriorating. For most reasons, I write when I have something inside me that needs to get released. When I am depressed, I can write long journals. It has been a good release for me and I am the type of person who likes flowers in the garden but not in my journal.

I am not depressed now, but worried. I long wanted to write these emotions but I just don’t know where to start and how to express it. Or maybe, I am too confused to write it.

Not a single moment that I’m alone that I can focus on one single thought. They come in different forms and shapes. It is like I am insane or crazy. Maybe my husband is right about me - that I’m crazy.

Have you heard of 31 year olds who still have identity crisis? Can you count me in and make me a double 'A' member? Or shall I call this a career crisis? Now, I am more confused.

I am not sad, nor depressed. I can rate my present state as being happy. I am just not fulfilled. Because I still have so much unfinished business. Dreams as they call it.

I know fulfillment is synonymous to contentment. That is not what I have.

They say people can never be contented. True. Especially when they know they have so much to accomplish yet.

Personally, the things I want to accomplish are not for me but for the people around me.

Just this morning, I felt regretful on some things in life that I cannot change.

Damn, why did the Amatong’s named their school Andres Bonifacio College? Funny? Nope. I don’t think so. If you’re one individual who never thinks of going out of your province to work, you can live with that funny sounding name but for us and those countless individual trying to explore the outside world...hah! Honestly, it is really funny.

Why blame the Amatongs for being so patriotic and not somewhat religious? Why of all the names they had chosen Andres Bonifacio? Why not, St...something?

I don’t know why I am so ashamed to say I graduated from ABC. Not when I am in Dipolog, of course. But when I am in Cebu and in Manila, I really don't like people asking me from what school I graduated. You can see people's "ah, okay thingy" expression. Damn, it’s the culture man. Buti nalang I graduated with honors. It pulled up my ego, somehow!

Know why I am disheartened as I am today? Because I am nervous about the result of the NZ PAR. I know ABC has a big chance of being recognized much as the Riverbanks School (also from nowhere) is recognized.

Know what? There are really a lot of things that I wanted to write that I do not want to write. Things that I have been avoiding to think and focus on. They are called failures. Yah, plenty of them. Costly failures.

I hope I don’t dream of them when I close my eyes. They haunt me like nightmares.