Aimless Wanderings

I am not ashamed to admit that I spent many years of my life in an endless aimless wanderings and yes, to this moment I am still on board that ship that carries me to nowhere.

Let me show you how directionless my life is. Take note, I am only talking about its career aspect.

During my grade and high school  years, I always answered "to be an engineer" every time I was asked what I wanted to become. After high school graduation, I couldn't decide anymore what to take up in college. Upon my mom's persuasion, I took up teaching. I majored in a subject I was better at, English. While on my second year, I wanted to shift majors. I preferred to have majored in Science but since I don't want to be left behind by my friends, I decided to stick to the original plan. It turned out I didn't want to teach English and I didn't want to teach at all. I ended up a banker. I thought I'd be a banker forever.

Instead after five years in the bank, I resigned and ventured into a business which turned out to be the worst decision I've ever made. When I went back into the workforce, any position except banking was all I wanted. I got into a secretarial work then eventually into human resources. Another uneventful employment. We moved to Manila, got into a human resources job again. I loved it. I wanted to stay with that kind of job but the job didn't like me. When my employment contract ended, I got into a call center. When you're in a big city like Manila where competition is very tough, anything that pays well, regardless of position is all worth it. I never got a chance to be promoted although it wasn't unlikely because after two years, I decided to leave the workforce to pursue what I dreamed of becoming... a housewife and stay-at-home-mom.

To be honest with you this is the best position I have ever held. I would not want to relinquish my throne. I am enjoying the freedom it gives me. I can work at home if I choose to. I did for over a year. I baked for profit, it was so much fun. However, since we have to move to Singapore and eventually to Dipolog, I left the industry.

Now, faced with a little uncertainty, I wanted to earn back an income I've lost. I am back to my aimless wanderings but this time with only a few choices, employment not one of them. I will be working from home but I am torn between taking a guaranteed paid job or do what I wish to do with no guarantee of payment.

I am back on the boat again and starting on a journey to nowhere while savoring every moment of the now here. I don't regret not having used my degree to serve its purpose. Much of my friends would say it's "sayang" (a waste) that I graduated with honors and haven't benefited from it. No regrets. I don't envy colleagues who now hold higher positions in the industry. Despite the lack of career stature, I love where I am at the moment. I am not rich, I don't have material possessions but I have freedom and I am happy. A little confused but definitely HAPPY.

Drowning

The past days I had scary dreams seeing my little boy in the water in what seemed like a drowning scene but is actually not. It's either he comes out of the water just fine or he just manages to swim. I don't feel good with dreams like this and try to be cautious and watchful with his health as in the past similar dreams were consequently followed by sickness and my fears were given justice, he got cough and colds today.

Weeks before I gave birth to Joseph, I had several dreams about drowning. Jehu drowning, Joshua drowning. Pretty scary. Joseph struggled for his life when he came out of this world.

Just before he was a year old, I got the same bouts of dreams. Weeks later, he got very ill with asthma. This is why drowning dreams scares me a lot. However, it gives me a heads up.

Ego

.... is hurt, that it did not get what it wants
.... but presence overcomes it and ego did not survive what it perceived as an attack
.... ego wants to fight back but with awareness it's defeated, for now
.... and so the process continues until what's left is being

my weird dreams are coming back, it's been a long time since i haven't had one and when i woke up this morning i was damned too tired, body aching so badly, got so stressed out from days of unending time on the road. anyhow, i got the much deserved massage today and felt relieved