Gratitude

About a month ago we were invited to the birthday party of my childhood friend's son who was turning two. We went to a mountain resort in Antipolo. While we were in my friend's house waiting for the ride, I couldn't help but think how some people are just lucky financially. They were not really rich but it just occured to me that amongst our circle of friends, few really got lucky to be considered stable when it comes to their finances. Unfortunately, we are not among them. Although we are not really in a state of financial depression, it is still a struggle for us to become financially independent.

As the day was about to end, my friend's husband who was already drunk went out of himself and became a raving lunatic for reasons only known to him. The celebration turned into a disaster that even Barney (the decor on the cake) for sure got his share of terror when it was smashed on the floor.

It was then that I realized I have so much to thank the Lord for. I felt saddened that I envied other people's financial status because I failed to look at the great blessing that I already have. When I look at my family I couldn't say more. I already have a loving and kind husband and a very wonderful and intelligent boy. They are worth more than any material reward I can have on earth. Having them in my life is already too much to ask for.

The List

A sigh of relief that the "list" was finally released and my name was not in there. A temporary moment of rejoicing while anticipating more changes in the coming months or even weeks.

I am not dreading the thought of going into a voice account. I am afraid of having to be in an account where I cannot have the flexibility when it comes to scheduled shifts. That is one obvious reason why I cling on to the present.

Anticipation Anxiety

Maybe that's how you call it especially when you are anticipating the uncertain.

Uncertainties at work is slowing creeping up everyone's spine now except for those who had made up their minds already on where they would wanna go. In a few days time, part of the team will go. I can only hope that I will not be among them. I wish to stay not because I am afraid to move on. Infact, should I choose to embrace change voluntarily, it would be to my advantage. A new learning experience, a better chance to improve my skills. But no, not this time while I am anticipating other things.

Come what may! I will take things to new heights whatever is the outcome of all these anticipation moments.

In Mysterious Ways

Ah... it's been more than a year already. I could only breath a sigh of relief that I was able to survive what I consider the toughest year in my life. Indeed, a series of unfortunate events!

May 27, 2004 - I was crying hysterically in the conference room in our office with two of my best friends (co-managers) comforting me, obviously not knowing what to say. It was the day I felt for the first time what others call "the whole world crushing on you" experience. I can only affirm. Weeks before that some crisis had already started. I learned I was a co-dependent. Those who had been there know what I meant by the term. And on that day, the 27th of May, another burden was laid upon my shoulder. Needless to say, I went home that day, weeping and with a great question in my heart - WHY? Why all at the same time? Why now?

Now I had understood that they were part of the series of those unfortunate events. It happened to complete the story.

Nobody could completely understand what I went through this same time of the year last year. Not even those people whom I shared the story with. Not even those people whom I share the pain with. It was like armageddon.

But it was not the end of the world as I thought. It was the beginning of a greater pain. The pain of being co-dependent.

Every day was excruciatingly painful. Every time I woke up, I wish I never did. I was torn between giving up and having hope, the former, the stronger force. Everything was in a dark tunnel. Everything. Everyday was a living hell.

Restless. Depressed. Hopeless. In agony. Those words were not even enough to describe how I felt.

After over four months of full struggle, things started to fall into their right places. I could not decipher how. I don't even know how I survived. There is only one thing I am sure. It wasn't the work of man. I am not even sure if it was our faith.. but for certain, it has something to do with Divine powers.

I am still filled with awe and wonder.

He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way!

The Legend Behind the Code

It has evolved through the years.

A high school friend's name is Aking. When he became my boyfriend, he gave me my codename, Ikang. When my college friends discovered a letter I received from him, they started teasing me by that name. So be it! My yearbook team shortcut it to Ikz. Since then I was Ikang to my college buddies and Ikz to my J10 buddies. Ikx came out when I misspelled a username name I created.

Many people had asked me why Ikz or Ikx. It's history. It's unique. It's me.

Memories of J10

I was surprised to have that name popped up on my mind. I have forgotten about it already. It's been years.

I have forgotten what it originally meant. To me it is something else. It means the 10th of July.

Linabo Days!

Eleven years have passed. The memory is still fresh. The friendship is still stable. The love is still strong.

How can I forget that day when I ran away from the hustle of the city and decided to spend the night in the mountain with all male friends. Gosh! Good they did not rape me, else they will all fall into that deep cliff beside our tent.

It was fun, so much fun. It was chilling cold. It was drizzling and windy yet the view of the city was overwhelming.

It was the night.

The next day, there was love in the air already. Nobody knew. Nobody felt it. Weeks later they could not believe it. They were frustrated.

All the while I thought they were happy but they were actually frustrated.

I couldn't believe it they were. It gives me laughs.

Dezperate Blogger

No. I am not.

Infact, blogging was in not in my language. I thought all the while that it invades privacy. Until I got across the blogsite of a friend and I realize that it does not have to be public like those which are in Friendster. And even if it does, they don't know me anyway.

So, I was inspired to create one, to back-up my journal which I just scribble on any piece of paper I pick up and those which were in my personal computer.

But I am a desperate writer, I admit, because I envy those people who have or still have the ingenuity for writing. I have lost mine a few years back.

I only tend to write when either when I am depressed or confused.

Now, it's different. I am more confused.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The Tibetan Test

Interesting Test.

These are my results.

1. Priorities - Family, Love, Pride, Career, Money
2. I see myself as a friend. I see my spouse as lazy. I see my enemies as a menace. I see sex as pampagising. I see my life as a journey.
3. Lani - someone I will never forget; Mama - my true friend; Jehu - someone that I really love; Joshua - my twin soul; Cathy Z - someone I will remember for the rest of my life.

My Josh

It was supposed to be Sean but it was less christian so we opted for Joshua. Now we realized that it was the most common name in his generation. Nonetheless, no regrets.

He is an angel. The most caring, sensitive, sweet little angel that I know of. Of course, he does not inherit it from his Mom. We are just the opposite. But opposites attract. We are best friends. We can talk at his level or at our level.

We talk about death, life, finances. He takes part in planning for our future.

He dreams a lot. He wants to get rich... very rich.. so he can be Batman.

He installs his own software - one thing I hate. I keep uninstalling, he keeps reinstalling things. He knows where to find serial numbers. He knows how to crack files. He spies on my password. Urggh! So, I opted to give him a freehand in computer. He even operates his Dad's AutoCAD.

Yet, he is so serious when it comes to his studies. Hope it does not wane.

The Visit

They are my regular visitors. My grandfather, my cousin and my grandmother. One thing in common - they are all dead. They say that when your dead visits you, they don't usually talk to you.

True. But at least, I got to hug my cousin.

They have their own ways of showing up. My grandfather visits me in our old house. My grandmother takes me back to the house in Cebu. Encounters with my cousins are, on the other hand, mostly emotional.

I know they need me.. they need my prayers.May they rest in peace.