Miiingaaaw!

Gosh, I can't believe it will be as mingaw as this one. I thought everything's going to be okay, but for now it's not. Daddy, we miss you so much.

Josh and I had a hard time sleeping last night and ended up hugging and telling each other how we miss you. I told kuya we finally had a bigger space in bed and I only ended up crying when kuya said "kulang naman ng isang love love".

Di pala ganun kadali... We need you around... I know this feeling is temporary.. yaan mo lang muna kami ni kuya.. we'll get over this soon.... Sobrang miss ka lang namin...

Bye the way, la pala pasok si kuya today. Happy na rin ako, at least one more day for review.

Bye for now, keep checking this site for more post.. Dito ko na post journal ni baby and ni kuya...

Love you Dad, miss you sooooo much.

New Zealand - Not for Us

I was scrolling through Jehu's Yahoo Mail (of course I can, I created it and got its password) and got across Rita Martin's email. Rita is a NZ Visa Officer. There was little excitement when I got it but there were some disappointment about its content. Our EOI was rejected because it did not meet 140 points as we claimed. It stated that Bonus Points for Qualification in Area of Absolute Skills Shortage and Bonus Points for Work Experience in Area of Absolute Skills Shortage are not meet.

However, dispointed I may be, desperate I am not. I am just taken over with excitement about the new addition in our family. Aside from that, Jehu is leaving for Russia in the next few days. There's too much too prepare.

I don't have time to investigate what we need to do. Maybe NZ is not just for us yet. Let it be until this baby comes out.

Blessings Outpoured

Call it a multiple blessing for this year – an angel in mum’s tummy and an overseas assignment for dad. Though the latter may mean loneliness for me and kuya, we all take it with a big heart – an answer to our prayers. For months we have waited for dad’s overseas assignment and whether it is pure coincidence or blessing, one thing is for sure, it comes at the right time.

Mid last year, we were talking about having a baby sister or brother for the now 7-year old kuya. I kept on insisting that unless we have a hundred thousand bucks in our bank account, I will not risk it. This is because of the greater chance of having a C section again which really puts a hole in the pocket.

But God has His way of giving us His blessings. He sent us the message that we are going to have a baby right on Kuya’s birthday. Much more, the baby is scheduled to fully mature on mum’s tummy by December. Isn’t it a relief to know that bonuses are just on time for the baby’s birth?

Then very recently was the good news for dad and it was specifically meant for him. It was supposed to be for his teammate but who came in just 5 minutes late. Whoah! And this also means one more thing – hopefully, we should be debt-free when the little angel comes out. Loans – no more - plus the fact that we have a pending immigration application which would also cost us thousands of bucks. Papsi, don’t worry, di na mabuslot ang buslot na nimo nga alkansya.

When I think of how God has been very good to us, I couldn’t help but cry. I am just so happy that when things happen according to His plans, everything will just fall into it’s proper place in its perfect time.

Glory to God in the highest!

Ah, I Can't Wait Any Longer

The past week seems like a year to me and I guess I still have to endure two more years going to work every night before I could have my normal life again.

Since I started in PS August of 2004 I had always been into the graveyard shift and had been loving it. This time however, it had became a heavy cross for me to carry. I started to feel tired whenever I think of work, I have my moodswings which I rarely had before. In short, I had stopped loving work.

The downtime could no longer be cured by Starbucks. I could not bear not having enough sleep during daytime. I become more depressed when it is sleep time thinking I could not sleep again. The scorching heat of the summer sun had contributed much to my dilemna and the noise of the playing children is no longer a music to a mother's ear.

To others two weeks is too short. To me, it is a lifetime.

Alaala ni Noy Alan

Kahapon ng kami'y pumunta sa Metro Market me nagbibinta dun ng puto maya or suman sa tagalog. Sarap sanang bumili kaya lang naubosan na ng tsokolate. Naalala ko na naman si Noy Alan. Sa twing makakakita ako ng puto maya at sikwate at lalo na ngayong ako'y buntis, iisang tao ang naalala ko, ang namayapang kabiyak ng kapatid ng papa ko, si Noy Alan. Pang third trimester ko nun ke Josh. Sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos nun, sa tuwing umaga ay tinatawag ako ni Noy Alan sa kanila para kumuha or kumain ng paborito kong puto maya at sikwate. Yon ay hanggang sa nanganak ako kay Joshua. Alam ni Noy Alan na sobrang naging peborit ko yon nung panahon na yon. At ngayon, na akoy buntis, naalala ko na namang kumain ng puto maya.

Good News and Bad News

Two days of not eating is too much for my suffering, just trying to survive with water and lots of it. I could only imagine what Josh and Jehu had to suffer earlier when they got their mumps. Got it from them. It was too timely for me as I am on leave from work. Ahhh.... I am suppose to go to Singapore on Thursday but I am not going anymore.

Much more, I am 5 weeks on the way. This is the good news. However, both Jehu and I don't know what to feel. We're happy yet so worried because of my present situation. I had taken several medications of ibuprofen and antihistamine the past few days for my mumps. To add to my suffering, I cannot eat anything. Even if my doctor said that I should not worry about it, I still am. That is the bad news.

When we told Josh that he is going to have a baby brother/sister, he did not show too much interest. Especially when he asked me when is the baby coming and told him, in December. In his mind, that's still way too far. But when I told him that the baby is already in mom's tummy, he jumped for joy. He became too excited. That's all he wanted to hear. I never realized it earlier.

He can't wait to give the baby it's name. When I told him that I want it biblical like his, he gave me a weird look. "Mom", he said, "It's not gonna be Moses or Noah, right?"

Hmnn... why not?

A Surge of Depression

cWhile reading the posts at the my Yahoogroup, I felt a surge of depression inside. I am depressed at the thought of having our EOI rejected because they might not recognize our qualifications from our school. Here I go again with this same thoughts about our alma mater. Bakit ba naman kasi ang pangit ng name ng school namin at ikinahiya ko pa ata to. Yong initials pa nya ABC, parang XYZ school, yong mga kadalasang ginagamit sa mga examples pag me kwento na nangungutya about school. Arrgghh... kakainis di ba? Pero sana naman, NZ would not be that discriminating as I thought when it comes to choosing their migrants.

Hay, graduate nga ako ng ABC, e ano ngayon? I'm not mediocre. I have to pick up myself and think positively. NZ will not deny us just because of that. Go parin Tekla, kahit anong mangyari... hehehe! (Sira ulo na talaga ako.)

Investment

I am trying to compute how much we will be spending for our NZ immigration pala.

Here they are (para sa mga willing na mag-aksaya ng panahon at pera):

PAR (Pre-Assessment Result) - NZ$75 (x2) = Php 5000.00
EOI (Expression of Interest) - 300 9600.00
-------------
Initial while waiting for ITA (paid na to) 14600.00

Eto nalang ang wala pa kami:

ITA Application Fees US$1050 54000.00
IELTS 9000.00
Medical Php7500x3 22500.00
NZQA 10000.00
-------------
more or less 96000.00


Waaaaaa.... over 100K pala magastos din... hay... san kaya ako makahanap ng pambayad no? Maybe I can shoulder NZQA and IELTS pero I bet I would be on bended knees again hihingi ng assistance sa father ko... sa laki ba naman.. di carry ng powers ko to.

Continue to have faith.... if it is for us, God will give it to us in its proper time.

Tatamad-Tamad sa Trabaho

Pag ganito ang mode sa trabaho, syimpre ang ginagawa ay busy-busyhan lang. Kunwari busy ang mga kamay sa pagta-type. Kala mo naman work yong ginagawa, blog pala. Hay, ano ba at parang napakatamad ko ata lately. Or shall we say di lang tama yong mga priorities ko. Kasi ba naman busy busy sa ibang mga bagay tulad ng pagbabasa ng mga post sa Pinoys2NZ digest. Nahibang na ata ako masyado sa planong to. Panu kasi malapit na kaming mag lodge ng EOI namin. Hay, after 8 years.. sana tuloy tuloy na itich... at wala nang masyadong hadlang pa.

Although, honestly sobrang kinakabahan pa rin ako sa mga plans na to kasi ba naman, feeling ko I did not ask for signs from above kung ito na ba talaga ang tamang oras na maglodge ng EOI. Umiiral na naman tong pagka impulsive ko. One year narin pala ang nakalipas since nag attend kami ng seminar sa Sampang. Si Roa nakapag EOI na nung May last year pa, samantalang ako ay inabot pa ng isa pang taon. See? Bagalicious ko talaga.

Buti nalang at guminhawa kunti ang life ngayon, bumaba ang dollar exchange at bumaba ang EOI fee. Siguro eto ang tinatawag na timing? Hmmmpp.. sana. At least mas mababa ang investment namin ngayon. Okay lang sa kin ang mag-antay ng ilang months para sa ITA sakaling ma select. Tama pa habang pakiusapan ko pa ang mabait kong ama para makautang naman.. hehehe.

Excited na kami. Yipee!!!!

First Steps

Ayun sa masyadong bugbog na atang salawikain, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Indeed, New Zealand is literally thousands and thousands of miles away from where we are right now. A single step is what we need to start that journey, they say. However, in 1998, we had already taken that single step. The only problem was - we were taking more steps backwards than forwards. That's why after almost 10 years of dreaming about the place, we are still here.

Last year, when Mom went to the states to, you know, work (what else, we can't afford to go there simply on tour), I was so much hopeful that she could lend us a small amount to re-start our journey (for the nth time). Fifteen thousand bucks was all we need then. I just ended up getting very frustrated when not a single penny was loaned to us. I could not blame her (me utang pa kasi ako sa kanya, well).

That was September of last year when the point system was at its lowest. Then my dear papa took his turn in going to the states. Yes, my very generous father. He was willing to lend us money then but it was us who refused as the points went up to 140. Thought it would be difficult for us to pass then.

Four months later, I got across the NZIS site again and tried to review the policies and changes. I tried to get in touch with NewjobZ but they do charge a lot for their service. When I learned from Debbie Go that Kate Go did not really get the service from them, I took a step back and tried to check our points again. Wow, we're at the 140 threshold. That gives us little hope then...

... starting the same journey again.

After 35 Days

I'm back after over 30 days of not posting anything in here. It was either I was too busy (of course, that's a bluff) or just did not want to spare time for it. Of course, I was busy with something else.. more important ones, I hope.

I guess I should be finding time to post here more often to document the 'old' new journey will be taking in.

Hopefully this time, this will be for real.

Ash Wednesday ba?

Nagulat ako, Ash Wednesday na pala. Ang bilis ng panahon, katatapos lang ng Christmas tapos ngayon lenten season na naman. Tsk! Bilis nating tumanda nito.

Neways, di na naman ako nakatulog today. Haay.. lentek na customer yang Nicole na yan, hanggang sa pagpikit ng mga mata ko dala dala ko pa yong concern ko sa account nya. Tuloy di ako makatulog. I was trying to catch some sleep pa naman kasi pupunta sana akong derma.. yan tuloy, di ako matuloy-tuloy. Kakatamad na talaga lumabas ng bahay lalo na pag ganito ang klema, ang init sa labas.. feeling ko magiging useless ang pagpapaganda ko if ma e-expose lang din ako sa sobrang init ng araw.. Haay, bruhang buhay talaga to o. Di pa ako makatulog, sakit pa ng ulo ko, di ko pa maintindihan katawan ko, ang init init pa ng panahon, di pa ako makapag derma at worst me pasok pa ako mamaya. At nag ka carbo loading na naman ako to compensate na wala akong magawa. Sarap mag call in talaga, ewan ko lang kung di ko lang habol habol na makapagtipid ng leave credits.

Ewan, gulo ng mind ko la naman akong iniisip na seryoso puro kababawan lang. I have turned on the airconditioner na... Naman! At least man lang lalamig kunti paligid ko.. pero ang init pa din. Kaya i love the rains. Kasi pag umuulan sarap ng feeling. Abala nga lang sa pag school ni Josh at pagko-commute pag umuulan pero seyet, pag ganitong panahon, masasabi ko talaga i love the rain.. hehehe!

Waaaaaa... ngayon ko lang naiisip, pa summer na pala... so isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito... hotter days to come. Good luck nalang sa Meralco bills namin. Bahala na. Mayaman na daw kami ngayon e kasi ung meralco namin abot na ng 4K ang monthly namin. Naman! Di pa ako nag e-aircon nyan sa umaga ha.

Almost 3.... pag makatulog man ako ngayon barely 4 hours lang sleep ko. Tsk! Pilitin kong makatulog sa station mamaya. Kaya lang i doubt rin kasi ba naman para naman kaming bola nito palipat lipat ng station. Tapos napapaligiran pa kami ng mga full time inbound reps --- ang iingay! Hay, gustong gusto ko na talaga mag call in... ano ba?

Duh! watevah! bahala na! watever na papasok sa mind ko mamaya.. tapos eto pa ha... sumakit pa lalamunan ko kanina... feeling ko magkakasakit ako.. tagal ko na ring din nagkasakit. Bawal magkasakit.. me bata sa bahay!

Sigh... sigh na naman... sigh pa once more.... aarrgghh! Goodbye derma, next week ka na lang, okay, maganda pa rin naman ako kahit di kita puntahan ngayon. Gosh!

EDSA I – February 24, 2006

Somehow I got the much needed absolution today, after three long years. It’s such a great feeling knowing your soul is His again. “I firmly resolve to avoid all occasions of sins. Amen.” This is my new year’s resolution. Along with this is the undertaking to be more patient, to hold my temper, to be humble and to be more understanding of other people’s feelings especially of those I treasure the most. If there is one commandment I have not broken, it is “to honor your father and mother”. They are not perfect just like everyone else. They are not typical parents. Nevertheless, I never doubted they love us with all their heart.

There is, however, one thing I failed to do today – getting the needed sleep. The sun was just too excited today to see me whole again, it was shining soooo brightly. Infact, the government even declared today as a holiday. Isn’t it great? They were celebrating for their prodigal daughter had come home. No classes means no stillness at home. Josh’s friends are making so much noise in the room. They were like, laughing and talking the whole day. Let the children’s laughter, so they say. Though I had turned on the air conditioner, I choose not to sleep anymore. I’d rather not be dead to the world for 24 hours than get a 3-hour sleep and end up having a terrible headache when I wake up. I am thinking not going to work today but I don’t want to waste my leave credits. With our inboxes all clear, I guess I can take in-between-call naps… hehehe… model employee.

I am still trying to figure out whether I would go to the office earlier or just in time for my shift. I don’t know which timeslot has a heavier traffic taking into account the rallies going on --- I guess not for the Edsa I celebration but for the call to ouster GMA.

Gosh! I remember, I had committed to Leni to join the Freedom Build tomorrow but I don’t think I can still survive 48 hours without sleep. I might forgo the activity. Maybe next time when they will hold the action on a regular day… I mean not in concurrence with a national holiday where security threat is at high. I had seen how the military force is in red alert today and tension might arise by tomorrow… hehehe… I found a good excuse. Sorry.

Call in or not… Call in or not….. still playing in my mind. Let’s see what happens by seven. There would be six left of them if I don’t go to work today. Hmnn… kaka konsensya ba? Que sera sera.

The Lady in Red

The first thing I did when I got my consciousness back was to feel the pain then took a quick glance at the blood in my left hand. Thank God, it was just a dream. It was so true that I thought I was still feeling the slash I got when trying to stop “her”. Who was she? She was the lady in red, with unkempt hair and a bloody knife in her hand, trying to kill me. Who was she with? A preggy woman in purple, a child, a few companion, all drunk, caroling outside our door.

With some of my dreams coming true, somehow in another form, I take my dreams somewhat seriously. I become so conscious of the things that are happening in my dream, especially those I know is not related to my present state of mind.

The 9/11, the Valentines day bombing, Daniel’s death and a whole lot more – they scare me. But I do believe that most of my dreams are mere representations of my present waking state.

I was stabbed, I was hurt, that dream was so full of emotions because it is such. The lady in red was the pain I am currently feeling, stabbing me, giving me pain. It couldn’t have another meaning other than that.

I am okay now. I hope so. I choose to be okay. It is just a matter of being more understanding. Seek first to understand then be understood.

Something that I missed

Every more often I get reminiscence of my grade school years and it somehow gave me back the childhood joy, simple and fun.

My elementary years were superb. I got a taste of my first hand fight when I was on the third grade. If I could still remember it clearly, it was over a preferred seat in the classroom. We were waiting for the room to open when I picked the fight with Marinette. That was the first and only fist fight I had been into. I know she couldn’t forget it either but am sure she had forgiven me. We are still best friends.

In my first grade I used to sit in front of the class but was transferred by my teacher at the back, seated with a boy to prevent me from talking too much, but that just got my teacher frustrated. I was still the most talkative in the class. Funny memories from grade one includes the great escape of Kate when I jumped out of the window during an annual immunization. I couldn’t imagine the nightmare of my teacher then.

My grandmother was my very own teacher in my second grade but that doesn’t exempt me from being disciplined under her very strict administration. I got my share of pinches in the ear and had knelt with arms stretch when we were told to gather stones for our rock garden. What happened? Of course, the “bida” went with her classmates to a distant beach to gather stones which took us over two hours to go back to class.

Fourth grade was a bit uninteresting. Maybe I started to grow up then. Instead of spending my time running in our school yard, I spent it more often collecting movie snips from newspapers to be rivaled with the best collection from my classmates. It was also the year when I just preferred playing marbles under our building that at one time I got my mom worried a great deal when at six o’clock I still wasn’t home for dinner. Of course the consequence was too much too bear. Maybe on that year I got withdrawn. I also escaped from a school program when I was tasked to recite a poem and just feigned sickness.

Life started to perk up again during the fifth and sixth grade. The fifth grade was full of horror stories because I had a classmate who seemed to have a third eye and was seeing things beyond a 10-year old imagination. It was also on that year that most of the girls in class experienced sexual harassment from a male school teacher. But I guess he didn’t have succeeded that far when his bad intentions raised controversy among the girls in our class and we all totally avoided him. How scary it could have been. Yaiks! Manyakis!

Grade six started as a frustrating year. Some of my classmates really wanted to be in Section A. However, middle of July a few of us were transferred to Section B. It was still homogenous then and it really mattered what section you were in. We cried then. But we could not blame our teacher for transferring us. They transferred us not because we were inferior. It was actually a consequence of what we did the previous grade and that was specifically choosing to enroll in Section B. We had our major reason then and they couldn’t condemn us also. The teacher in Section A for the fifth grade was really a well-known terrorist. She throws erasers and books to her pupils and it was what scared us the most. Well, it turned out that grade six wasn’t bad at all. And I proved it that it didn’t really matter what section you were in just to get the valedictory post.

There were also plenty of mishaps throughout my elementary life. At one time I was splattered with carabao droppings while playing under a mango tree. A classmate threw a huge centipede at me which really gave me the phobia since then. The most terrible was being pulled off my gartered skirt in front of my classmates.

But oh, childhood! Your memories are just soooo sweet and charming. I love the coco-leaf-swing which made me feel like flying in the air. Many times my back hit the trunk of the tree, or my body rolled down the hill when the leaves snapped but it was sooo much fun that I would do it again if I have the opportunity. I loved the rice cakes and I missed them. I simply adore the fun carefree feeling running in the fields chasing dragonflies and grasshoppers and getting soaked in the rain.

How I wish my Josh will get to experience the nicest feeling of growing up in the province where life is just so naïve and pure.

The Frustration

Things were frustrating over the weekend. Something we all did not expect happened at work. It was frustrating for everyone. I almost cried in disbelief, I swear. I know I shouldn’t have let it ruin my week but I am allowing it to. My choice again. I am dispirited not because she is not qualified for the position. In terms of the quality of her work, she could well pass for the position, but it is beyond that.

Why am I anguished over something I don’t have control of? I was not up for the position, not yet, but, why like all other members of the team, was I frustrated over her promotion? I hope she gets to ask this question herself too.

But in all honesty, why am I aggrieved?

I am not sure. Maybe because I just don’t like to see her in the position. ( Help! Somebody stop me from pouring out my judgments! ) She, along with another supe, had become my source of frustration in the team since we started. She, being the pretentious helper, the latter being the second rate trying hard supe. Hahaha! See my post for the “Power Struggle”. I am talking about both of them there. I let them ruin my SA in December. I was rebelling then.

It was really a liberation when we were made part of the Tier 3 team and had our dedicated supe. And thank goodness he did not volunteer for the position way back then. I could have been in Dell now. That is the only consolation I have over her promotion. At least I will not be under her wing, not ever and over my dead toenails.

I have told my supe, I will never bend my ways and try to be “bibo” nor mabait just to get to the supe position. I am what I want to be. I will continue to spank the supervisor of the agents and the agents themselves, who are not doing well in their job. I don’t have to be a supervisor to do that. I had learned to love my team and being a pioneering batch I feel this is part of my calling to protect our integrity.

Sayonara?

Today is the deadline of our on-boarding documents and schedule of picture taking for the Dell badge and I was still thinking of going earlier today but I have to stick to my decision to stay. With a heavy heart I wrote a letter to their HR in-charge declining their offer. What a pain in the heart though.

I know I will get over this feeling soon. I just don’t want to have remorse over not doing something. But this is my decision. It is neither right nor wrong, consequences are. But because I have “chosen” to stay I am ready for the consequences if there are any though I don’t see any coming. Just what if’s… What if most of my team mates leave PS this year? What if something comes up that will dissolve our team this year? What if Dell will transfer to Makati area this year?

No, no! I will not have regrets. I choose to stay. I am happy. I love my team.

If only i could have it all

I started bidding goodbye to my team. A few already knew that I shall be handing in my resignation letter. I decided to formally tell my supe about it. Unfortunately I was not given his blessings. Instead he tried to talk me out to stay pointing out again the factors that have been in my list for a long time. Ahhh.. I had started to let go of them already as the day drew nearer but I got face to face with reality again. It left me sleepless for two nights (days actually), caught between those things that really matter plus my compassion for the team versus the opportunity for a better pay. But I realized that if I could have it all, I’d be the luckiest person on earth. It’s just not like that. I couldn’t have a better pay at Dell and enjoy all the other benefits that I had been getting at PS.

After two sleepless nights, I decided to stay for good. Thanks to my honey who finally cast his vote in favor of my decision. It was such a relief.