Mamingaw nga Pasko!

Are Christmas eves getting gloomier each year?

I can remember our first Christmas here in Manila it was merry. There were plenty of fireworks around. New Year was merrier though, as expected.

This year’s Christmas was so dull that we only saw a few “kwitis” being lighted. Even Makati City only had a 3-minute fireworks display. Are people reserving the merry making for New Year’s eve or are budgets just too tight to waste them for temporary happiness?

For us, Christmas was just like those of the previous years. It’s been quite sometime that we had been spending the season on our own. Manileños have their traditional exchanging of gifts with their relatives and friends. We never had that tradition way back in the province. (Maybe because our neighborhood couldn’t afford it). The good side of it is, you will be getting plenty of gifts. The bad side of it is, you will be spending so much for gifts too because you will be shamed if you don’t give in return. Well, it happens just once a year but I hope in the future they will change that tradition and instead they will be buying and giving the gifts to those whom they do not expect to hand them something back – to the least fortunate. Haaay! What a bright world it would be!

I pity my father. He said he’s having the loneliest Christmas in his entire life – in the US! I can just imagine. If Christmas in the Philippines is dull, what more can we expect for Christmas in the US. As another Filipino in the states said, “it’s like todos los santos”. Papa said he never heard even just a single “putok”. What a pity!

On Tardiness

It’s sad to note that I won’t be receiving a full performance bonus this month because of my ‘recent’ habitual tardiness and absenteeism. It just started with a 30-minute late and the whole month’s stats for attendance is already on the track to being doomed. At least now I am not dependent on it to get the best shift. That’s the privilege of being a special queue agent. Aha! So this means that my good schedule adherence for the past months was with a purpose? Of course, yes! Well, no. My absences were really reasonable. First I was really sick. Second, I was also sick. Hahaha! Nope, the second one was caused by my worthless yaya.

Now, it seems that I am branded as the ‘call in’ girl that I have to carry the remorse in my dreams. While sleeping this afternoon, I dreamt that I was getting late for work and it worries me a lot because I have kept my word not to be absent again. Gosh, it really hit me hard. I hope I will not more reasons to be absent this month. I can only hope.

High Blood!

I felt blood rushing to my head and my heart pounding fast. I was too irritated that I am ready to give up the script I had prepared for casting out my househelp. This has now turned into an evil plan if that’s what you call it.

Okay, okay, it is just a sandal but for me it is beyond that. It is the ATTITUDE! I can’t bear one more day to have her in our home. I am losing all my senses out of rage for her lack of attitude.

I haven’t had a house-help as intolerable as her, promise. I am just too afraid to kick her ass out and have her live with her cousin as I do not know if there is evil in her heart. She might get back at us in her evil ways. I just hope not.

All I can say now is that tomorrow will be goodbye for her.

(Gee, I remember Shiela Batayola, my classmate in TDS. She loves firing yayas!)

Estoy Aburrida!

It's so obvious that I've got less to do in my life today that I am able to spend time writing posts for my blog. Well, I was just able to get a good night sleep last night because I did not report for work as I called in sick. I was not feeling well a bit because I had my bouts of insomnia again despite having taken medication for cough which supposedly will make me feel drowsy. The exact opposite just happened and I had wasted my time with the toss and turns in bed thinking how I can get to sleep. That gave me a terrible day and I know that if I’m going to force myself to work, I would be very sick the next day.

Well, my S.A. (attendance in particular) had been worst this month with over 30 minutes of late already so I guess an additional day to it would not make it worst anymore because it already is… :)

I feel better now though I am still indulging in some tasty calamansi concentrate to get more fluid into my body. Sad to say I am not much of a water drinker so to take more liquid in, it has to be flavored. (sosyal!). And I am anticipating another restful night as we are off for the Thanksgiving Day, thanks to that!

Well, for now I seem not to mind anymore whether I will still get that perfect attendance. It’s hard when your heart is partly not in the team anymore. In short, as my luv would say it, “gasalig”.


So what am I suppose to do today?

Well, I started my day performing a typical housewife’s work – preparing breakfast and as soon as dad stepped out of the house, I was glued in front of the PC. I have to do it fast because the system administrator is still asleep. I started with a few Spanish online tutorial, played the addictive Xraye game (I’m sorry that I have to cheat to get to the next level), check some mails, chat with some friends while listening to some good music, and now, updating my blog.

You see, I really got plenty of things to do! Am busy, you know!

As soon as the master wakes up, am outta here. He thinks he owns this computer.

I have to see Nanay Niknik (watta name!) today. Oppss.. I still need to prepare the proposal. I better make it soon.

And gosh, I still have to buy that plane ticket for dad and catch up some more sleep later. I’d be really busy today! :-)

Grrrr.......

I can't wait for next week to tell my household help that I have to fire her :( Well, I am breaking it to her in a very nice and dramatic way. Whaah! Dramatic because I have to create a drama so she will not feel mad that I have to kick her ass out of the house. I am just too afraid that she might do something unpleasant if I will just tell her directly that I can no longer tolerate her yuckiness and laziness :(

At least the two months chance I have given her is more than enough for me to suffer from heart attack. Hahaha! I really haven't gotten across somebody just as irritating as her. Gosh! So what am I ranting when I am letting her go? Well, la lang.

Well, at least I would be happy soon. She's just too much to bear! Karin... san mo ba napulot to? Arrggghhh!

Initial D

The Initial D-cision

I thought it was going to be a quite easy decision but then again I was wrong. There are some things that need to be considered. But as of now, I am really happy that I made it. The interview was not really that tough as most of the questions are just practical applications of what I have learned. Though I was not able to thoroughly answer some of the questions, I guess being totally honest about it has what made me through. Not all techie people and people who had the needed experience in call centers made it. To be selected is really a privilege, so to say.

What's confusing me is not really the package at all because I believe in my heart that those who will make it will be rewarded accordingly. The present package is equally good. What's holding me back is the thought of leaving the comfort zone of what I am currently doing.

It is difficult to trade the leniency of my current work to the hassled and hurried world of inbound technical support. I should know as I have several friends taking inbound calls. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how comfortable I had become being lazy at work.

However, at the time of this writing I have made my decision already. I have complied with their requirements already and almost ready to leave my present work. I just have to accomplish some personal goals before I go. It would soon be goodbye. I hate to think about it. I hate to say goodbye to friends but I am as well excited to say hello to new ones. I am taking this to new heights.

(Well, now at least it feels good to know that one of our trainers is on the same ship also :)

The Power Struggle

I guess this is my only chance to pour out all my aversion against some power struggle in our team. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this in the office as I do not want to stir up anyone’s sanity.

Some people are just so insecure and hungry for credit and power. They think that being senior in terms of tenure means that they know a lot already. They want to be always acknowledged that they are good, they are in power and they are still Tier 2 when in fact they are not. They want special powers, special permissions and even blatantly asking if they have one. They hated the idea that some people are just better than them. They forgot that they started altogether in the new skill set. They purposely sometimes make remarks as if to provoke these individuals who they think is trying to steal the limelight.

And why am I able to say this? Because I felt I have become their victim and I can’t stand it. I do not hunger for credit, I do not want it either. I do my work well without expecting anything in return. I do it as part of my personal calling and if I do it well, it is because I do not want to retire at the end of the day and become accountable for what I have not done. I never want a substandard work and I expect the same from other people. I am too shy to receive credit for anything I have done well and yet, other people are just too hungry about it.

I maybe very vocal about ideas and opinions because I felt that my superiors are not open minded. They tend to not bear anyone who question procedures. They are too full of pride not to admit mistakes and are always on the brink of proving that they are right and oftentimes admit their mistakes through memos they issue at a later date. Duh! Mga hambog!

This makes me want to leave the team soon. This is the first time after one year here that I have thoughts of leaving the company. When things are no longer healthy, the best thing to do is to swim out of it rather than stay and continue swimming against the tide.

Just as soon as the 13th month is released I will be spending time for the next career move.

(Hah! Since it is this easy to go job hopping in the call center industry, this makes me wanna do this.. Yahooooo!)

Will it soon be goodbye?

Two more days and this is getting exciting for me. I hope by then I will know if I will be jumping ship by next year or not. I am too excited for this. Of course, nobody knows how excited I am but my family. Even if some of my colleagues know that I am pursuing this second opportunity, I never showed them that I am too excited to get out of my present job. What they know is I am just trying my luck and trying to test the waters if the compensation package is good. But deep in my heart, failure to make it to the final interview would be a big disappointment for me.

Why?

Am I expecting a bigger compensation package from them? Yes, of course, otherwise I will not even think about it. I would be lying if I would deny that it is one of the major reasons I am even thinking about it. A 25% difference in net pay is already a lot.

Is it my only reason?

No. Although that is my first consideration.

So what are my other reasons?

Kinda hard to explain. Hard ba? Yes, because, the team I am into is what everyone wants to be part of. With some petiks time -- oh, sometimes not just “some petiks time” but “so much petiks time”-- who would not want to become part of it? Everyone out there who knows what we are doing in our job will envy us. I for sure am enjoying that fact. Naloloka naba ako? Ang saya saya nga non!

But sometimes, it just gets too boring.

The job in itself is backend processing with some outbound calls to customers or vendors. It is relatively easy and sometimes just requires common sense. After like 2-3 months of doing it, you can perform your task with eyes closed. Just like my “teller-ing” work before. There are no technical skills required, just simply common sense and good communication skills (which you will use when you contact customers and vendors). This is where I feel stagnant. I am not learning anything more, nothing more to add to my appetite to further improve my technical abilities. My brain is starting to rust.

Aside from that, I hate to see the power struggle in this new team. I do respect that they are our superiors in terms of the positions they are holding but they are not superior in terms of knowledge about the task or the skill set. We all started with the same knowledge base. Yet, they are always out there to prove something else every time an agent question a procedure. Crap! I thought I was over with this. I should post all these power struggle observation in another post.

So that’s it! They are some of the major reasons why I am thinking of moving to another center by next year. But there are still a few good reasons why I would still stay.

October 12-17

This is laziness:

10.12.05

Now I panicked, this is the second time I had nosebleed from last week. I visited the clinic during my shift and inquired some causes for nose bleeding. The nurse mentioned one is hypertension so to my curiosity I had my BP taken and boy, it was 130/90.

10.13.05

Now the worst, I am having flu. Second day of BP-taking and it was 130/70. When I checked my records earlier, I had only 110/70 during the annual PE. I have to get a one-week record to establish facts.

10.14.05

Yeheey, payroll day. The nurse is absent today. I am feeling worst from flu. I have to file a PTO for Monday for surely I’m going to be very sick. Indeed, I was!

10.15.05

Of course, instead of sleeping, me and my loves went to Market!Market! to buy stuff from Ace hardware using our credit memo from the sewing machine. We got a can of paint and plenty of other stuff for the lipat-bahay thingy. And yeah, I ended up getting sicker, sickest I guess that I have to sleep pretty early.

10.16.05

Despite not feeling well, I still manage to wake up early as I got very excited. Painted the cabinet’s and windows at auntie’s place. Boy, it was indeed very tiring.. super duper tiring! But it’s great to see your work of art at the end of the day.

10.17.05

I have to see the doctor today as promised to myself and so as not to defeat the purpose of having a paid time-off (pto). Well, the doctor was so kind to tell me that I’m perfectly fine despite my physical difficulty of speaking due to sore throat and recommended nothing except plenty of water and rest. Hmnn.. great. BP is regular.

From the doctor's office, I walked my way to Smart Wireless center to apply for wi-fi, dropped by some bodega sale and bought some utensils, went to the office to leave the locker key for Vi, went to Market!Market! again to buy ink for printer and some bond paper. When I reach home, I started painting again. Whew!

10.18.05

I have had my day of "konsimi" from my YY. To this day, I have promised to myself that I will be getting rid of her. She will only be up to one month. I have all the reason to dispose of her… hehehe! So evil! But I would not want anymore month of her.. period! Better get a stay-out help. I would not mind paying the same or more for less hassle. Whew again! No need to justify my act. I need my privacy back!

Insomnia

If it is true that lack of sleep can cut down some years on a person’s life, then if I'm suppose to live a hundred years, now it's down to 50. For a year since I started working in a call center, I had always been into the graveyard shift. The latter part of the one year vampire mode left me with no more than 6 hours of straight sleep each day. I am even lucky enough if I can get 6 hours of broken sleep. Keeping the room dark to simulate night, most of the time does not help. Getting a househelp did help, but still, getting 6 hours of sleep each day is a dilemma. I’m starting to think that I already am insomniac. They say that drinking hot milk helps but I guess a bonamine tablet would be better. Though am thinking of it, I would not want to start doing it as I might get addicted.

My present state leaves me off to thinking about moving into other departments which offer more shift options. But this only gives me the challenge to move to other call centers instead. If I have to move into another rep position, I’d better be in one that pays better and offers more income opportunity.

- - - - - - - -
Well, if in the next few hours I would only be spending it twisting and turning in bed and exhausting my mind, I would better get myself on the go and start exploring other possibilities. Aha! I really have so much to do that I had not done in the past months.

- - - - - - - -
Opening a bank account for my Josh? Oh well, maybe will do it next week when I have the resources.

Smart Wi-Fi? Will I go to their office now and fill out an application form? I’m having second thoughts about it as it is an additional expense. Tsk! But it will not cost me a thing to have the information whether we are serviceable or not and it can only be done if I fill out an application form.

If I’d be going to Smart today, then I better drop by at PBCom and check that call center which a friend says offers 35K as basic pay. Boy, that’s big! I don’t mind if they have 30 tools to use.

------------------
Oh well, what happened today was that I went to Market!Market! instead and returned the sewing machine that is sub-standard. Good thing Ace never insist and agreed to have the product replaced by other items coz I’m definitely not gonna get another JML item again.. maybe except for Spotless. So instead am thinking of getting cans of paint or linoleum for the floor.

Went home at around 3PM hoping to get sleepy when I reach home. Well, the expected happened and even if I turned on the aircon still can’t sleep. Might as well make my time productive. Tried some cleaning solutions at auntie’s unit. Of course, I would not want to exhaust myself so here I am writing trying to let time pass by.

Jehu does not suggest that I find another job to solve this sleep disorder but instead find a medical remedy first. Well, good idea. Then maybe bonamine or valium will work. Hmnn… I’m gonna become the future drug dependent.

DoomsDay Part2

The shortly awaited major change in our team has finally been announced yesterday. This time, it was kind of sweet to the human ear as 30 of us plus 3 supes will be transferred to a pioneering team. Without second thoughts, no bits of hesitation and no single convincing needed, I volunteered right away as the schedule it offers is appealing and the opportunity is good.

What is sad is that, one of my favorite supes who volunteered was turned down by management and he will remain in the email team. It gets me restless as we both believe that the future of the email team is dim. Knowing his pessimism, I know this is a big blow on him.

My decision so far, unaltered and unadulterated, will remain firm - I am going 'voice' and as opportunity presents itself already, there is no need to move to another company as earlier thought of.

------------------------------

I have a very disturbing dream today. I heard fire trucks blowing their sirens as a fire broke out just nearby from where I was. People were in panicked and heard them shouting that there were dead people already. I realized that the fire was just in the next building from where I was standing. I called out for Josh and grabbed him and ran for safety. However, I have not seen Jehu. Watching from afar, I saw people going through the ashes looking for charred bodies. Still not finding where Jehu is, I panicked again and started to cry. People pointed me out to the remains of a man's body which they thought was him. Looking at the shoes of the man gave me hope as I believe it was not him. I was already crying out hysterically as plenty of people died in that accident and was afraid he was one of them. A sigh of relief came when he appeared from nowhere, slightly injured but very much alive. More sigh of relief when I woke up and found out it was just one of those bad dreams.

I am just praying I am not seeing future events again unfolding in my dreams.

Quarter Life Crisis

~from an unknown source:

They call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”. It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and what you do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try to cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed wonder why you cannot meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe they love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topic because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Dreams808

Just another series of wild dreams from the creative mind of the author.

I was convinced that no mosquito has bitten me during my sleep today, much more not on my heel but I was itching so much on those places in my sleep. To my horror, I found out that those mosquitos were not from the outside from the inside. The inside of my body, my heels and foot in particular. As they come out and emerge from my feet, they produces itchiness.

Then because of that I was exorcised by a man who looked familiar but whom I could not identify who. Ano ako possessed? But anyhow, while he was exorcising, he was pushing my back which gave me so much pain. I was trying to scream in my sleep from the pain but I couldn't hear my voice. After a long struggle, I was freed and the next scene I know was they were looking for some infestations in our area.


There was digging and more diggings until they found different carcasses including that of a gigantic rodent and a man. Yaiks! Na naman! Another horrid dream.

Jehu paid the man a thousand bucks for that.

Hmn, I hope the dream does not mean anything. Not related to future events that's gonna happen. God forbids!

On a lighter note, I found some nice place in my dream. A pool which our neighbor built with waters so clear.

Waters in dreams, they say, signifies emotions. In my whole life, water has always been the constant object in my dreams. When it is clear, it means I am at peace and attune to my present emotions. I believe so.

That's what Friends are for!

A few days more to go and we will be celebrating our first year anniversary in the company. Time seems to pass by so quickly. This is so far the best corporate year I ever had after 5 long years. That is because this is so far the best job (though not the best paying job) that I ever have in terms of work load and pressure. It is incomparable considering what I went through as a banker and a human resource practitioner.

This is the only job that has enabled me to balance both family and work not compromising one for the other. This is why PS rocks!

In my 12 months stay, I have developed close and not so close friendship. Maybe because I am very selective with whom I associate with.

Just like the UBP days! Gosh!

The UBP times was the best in terms of friendship. That was the most solid friendship I ever had (next to YM). Without them, life would be so damn dull and hectic. It was the most pressured work by experience, so without those people, I would have been dead eight years ago. It was kinda sad when each of us has to go on our separate ways first by individual marriages then when we were scattered into the operations department then finally, by migration.

I could still recall those Cebu Plaza or Sacred Hearts nights when we would waddle in the pool at night and eat lumi afterwards - or the Tambuli and White Sand days when we would walk around the beach in our swimming suit. Goodness! I am pretty sure it would be hard to do that now without facing so much shame. There are too much memories to mention but each is carefully embedded in my heart. How I miss their company!

But as life moves on, we meet other people, other deserving people. People whom we can never forget. People who also become part of our lives and who also occupy spaces in our hearts. I am thankful that I was able to have and keep them.

Time may pass by so quickly but each year will be joyfully remembered. It is because of them - FRIENDS!

Temporary Assignment

That's life!

Temporary. Borrowed. Transient.

We are living on borrowed time. It is foolish to think that everything is under our control because it is not.

I may want to believe that the Lord will grant me a long life but how can I exactly tell that I will live that long to see my child grow old? How can I exactly tell that I will grow old with my husband or he will grow old with me? There is no way.

When the Lord calls me or my loved ones home, who am I to say no? Who am I to stop it from happening?

Fear.

So much fear in my heart.

Dreams Recounted

My head was so heavy today. I was not able to sleep the whole day which I attributed to the caffeine overload I had the previous night. The culprit was the new vendo machine plus the whole time that we did nothing but chat and laugh. Our email system was down so we resorted to constant coffee breaks.

It was suppose to be Sunday, my day of rest because someone can take my place in watching over my babe. However, today was just not the same. When I forcefully woke up after being an unrestful sleep, a morbid thought flashed. Our team will be mourning for someone who died.

My day went on until I arrive in the office only to be greeted with a very shocking news. One of our team members died in a vehicular accident Sunday dawn. I quiver to the bones as a recalled the thought that occured to me earlier. How can that be?

I then recounted a dream I had on Friday morning (of course I sleep during daytime). I was in a small room (probably a rest room) made of wood along the side of a hill when suddenly thousands of bats came flying toward the area. As I was trying to hold on to the door of the room, I saw a big tornado coming. What was worst with the tornado was that it looked like an alien. I then sought refuge on the rocks along the hillside. I was almost hit by the passing tornado.

When I looked on the right side of the hill, I saw a truck or somehow a vehicle that looks like one and a car following it when suddenly the truck was somehow backing out overrunning the car. I wanted to scream at the sight but I saw that the car was now on top of a parked car slowly slipping down the snowy area. A sight difficult to describe that if I only know how to draw, I can vividly sketch it. The driver was a lady.

The next scene I was standing beside a male friend as we were talking what he did when the tornado passed by. End of the dream.

What scared me as I recounted the dream was the interruption I got from one of my teammates. I was told that Daniel's car indeed hit a car that was backing out. End of story.

This has not happened the first time. This is the reason why it scares me to the bone if I have dreams like that. The 911 tragedy, the Edsa bus bombing and a whole lot more.

Dreams. Warnings. Emotions.

Huh!

Gratitude

About a month ago we were invited to the birthday party of my childhood friend's son who was turning two. We went to a mountain resort in Antipolo. While we were in my friend's house waiting for the ride, I couldn't help but think how some people are just lucky financially. They were not really rich but it just occured to me that amongst our circle of friends, few really got lucky to be considered stable when it comes to their finances. Unfortunately, we are not among them. Although we are not really in a state of financial depression, it is still a struggle for us to become financially independent.

As the day was about to end, my friend's husband who was already drunk went out of himself and became a raving lunatic for reasons only known to him. The celebration turned into a disaster that even Barney (the decor on the cake) for sure got his share of terror when it was smashed on the floor.

It was then that I realized I have so much to thank the Lord for. I felt saddened that I envied other people's financial status because I failed to look at the great blessing that I already have. When I look at my family I couldn't say more. I already have a loving and kind husband and a very wonderful and intelligent boy. They are worth more than any material reward I can have on earth. Having them in my life is already too much to ask for.

The List

A sigh of relief that the "list" was finally released and my name was not in there. A temporary moment of rejoicing while anticipating more changes in the coming months or even weeks.

I am not dreading the thought of going into a voice account. I am afraid of having to be in an account where I cannot have the flexibility when it comes to scheduled shifts. That is one obvious reason why I cling on to the present.

Anticipation Anxiety

Maybe that's how you call it especially when you are anticipating the uncertain.

Uncertainties at work is slowing creeping up everyone's spine now except for those who had made up their minds already on where they would wanna go. In a few days time, part of the team will go. I can only hope that I will not be among them. I wish to stay not because I am afraid to move on. Infact, should I choose to embrace change voluntarily, it would be to my advantage. A new learning experience, a better chance to improve my skills. But no, not this time while I am anticipating other things.

Come what may! I will take things to new heights whatever is the outcome of all these anticipation moments.

In Mysterious Ways

Ah... it's been more than a year already. I could only breath a sigh of relief that I was able to survive what I consider the toughest year in my life. Indeed, a series of unfortunate events!

May 27, 2004 - I was crying hysterically in the conference room in our office with two of my best friends (co-managers) comforting me, obviously not knowing what to say. It was the day I felt for the first time what others call "the whole world crushing on you" experience. I can only affirm. Weeks before that some crisis had already started. I learned I was a co-dependent. Those who had been there know what I meant by the term. And on that day, the 27th of May, another burden was laid upon my shoulder. Needless to say, I went home that day, weeping and with a great question in my heart - WHY? Why all at the same time? Why now?

Now I had understood that they were part of the series of those unfortunate events. It happened to complete the story.

Nobody could completely understand what I went through this same time of the year last year. Not even those people whom I shared the story with. Not even those people whom I share the pain with. It was like armageddon.

But it was not the end of the world as I thought. It was the beginning of a greater pain. The pain of being co-dependent.

Every day was excruciatingly painful. Every time I woke up, I wish I never did. I was torn between giving up and having hope, the former, the stronger force. Everything was in a dark tunnel. Everything. Everyday was a living hell.

Restless. Depressed. Hopeless. In agony. Those words were not even enough to describe how I felt.

After over four months of full struggle, things started to fall into their right places. I could not decipher how. I don't even know how I survived. There is only one thing I am sure. It wasn't the work of man. I am not even sure if it was our faith.. but for certain, it has something to do with Divine powers.

I am still filled with awe and wonder.

He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way!

The Legend Behind the Code

It has evolved through the years.

A high school friend's name is Aking. When he became my boyfriend, he gave me my codename, Ikang. When my college friends discovered a letter I received from him, they started teasing me by that name. So be it! My yearbook team shortcut it to Ikz. Since then I was Ikang to my college buddies and Ikz to my J10 buddies. Ikx came out when I misspelled a username name I created.

Many people had asked me why Ikz or Ikx. It's history. It's unique. It's me.

Memories of J10

I was surprised to have that name popped up on my mind. I have forgotten about it already. It's been years.

I have forgotten what it originally meant. To me it is something else. It means the 10th of July.

Linabo Days!

Eleven years have passed. The memory is still fresh. The friendship is still stable. The love is still strong.

How can I forget that day when I ran away from the hustle of the city and decided to spend the night in the mountain with all male friends. Gosh! Good they did not rape me, else they will all fall into that deep cliff beside our tent.

It was fun, so much fun. It was chilling cold. It was drizzling and windy yet the view of the city was overwhelming.

It was the night.

The next day, there was love in the air already. Nobody knew. Nobody felt it. Weeks later they could not believe it. They were frustrated.

All the while I thought they were happy but they were actually frustrated.

I couldn't believe it they were. It gives me laughs.

Dezperate Blogger

No. I am not.

Infact, blogging was in not in my language. I thought all the while that it invades privacy. Until I got across the blogsite of a friend and I realize that it does not have to be public like those which are in Friendster. And even if it does, they don't know me anyway.

So, I was inspired to create one, to back-up my journal which I just scribble on any piece of paper I pick up and those which were in my personal computer.

But I am a desperate writer, I admit, because I envy those people who have or still have the ingenuity for writing. I have lost mine a few years back.

I only tend to write when either when I am depressed or confused.

Now, it's different. I am more confused.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The Tibetan Test

Interesting Test.

These are my results.

1. Priorities - Family, Love, Pride, Career, Money
2. I see myself as a friend. I see my spouse as lazy. I see my enemies as a menace. I see sex as pampagising. I see my life as a journey.
3. Lani - someone I will never forget; Mama - my true friend; Jehu - someone that I really love; Joshua - my twin soul; Cathy Z - someone I will remember for the rest of my life.

My Josh

It was supposed to be Sean but it was less christian so we opted for Joshua. Now we realized that it was the most common name in his generation. Nonetheless, no regrets.

He is an angel. The most caring, sensitive, sweet little angel that I know of. Of course, he does not inherit it from his Mom. We are just the opposite. But opposites attract. We are best friends. We can talk at his level or at our level.

We talk about death, life, finances. He takes part in planning for our future.

He dreams a lot. He wants to get rich... very rich.. so he can be Batman.

He installs his own software - one thing I hate. I keep uninstalling, he keeps reinstalling things. He knows where to find serial numbers. He knows how to crack files. He spies on my password. Urggh! So, I opted to give him a freehand in computer. He even operates his Dad's AutoCAD.

Yet, he is so serious when it comes to his studies. Hope it does not wane.

The Visit

They are my regular visitors. My grandfather, my cousin and my grandmother. One thing in common - they are all dead. They say that when your dead visits you, they don't usually talk to you.

True. But at least, I got to hug my cousin.

They have their own ways of showing up. My grandfather visits me in our old house. My grandmother takes me back to the house in Cebu. Encounters with my cousins are, on the other hand, mostly emotional.

I know they need me.. they need my prayers.May they rest in peace.

Am Back!

This is quite a long gap between the last time I wrote the last journal and today… 28 days to be exact. Reason? Maybe, just getting bored with writing again. May 28 Josh arrived from his vacation. Since then, you understand how life is. But since he came home from that long vacation, things have been very good for us. We become closer to each other. He is sooo fun to listen to. Super Bisdak! And he has become very talkative already. And there was school time.

This is the first week of school and I am enjoying the routine. Next week will be different. Back to the real world.. that I cannot pick him up after school 5 days a week. It is exciting to see him goes to school and it is scary also. Maybe because I have set a high expectation of what he will accomplish as a first grader.

Every thing seems to be going very fine for the whole family. Every one is cool tempered and sweet.

Tomorrow, we are going swimming. We are invited to Mary Ann’s son’s birthday in Antipolo. And after that, I will be off to a get together of our team at the Red Gate’s place (actually, Toots’ place). It will be the first time I’m going out with PS people. Should Yvette’s schedule not canceled, I could have been very busy for two weeks. Next week, I might be going out with Ginger and Lynn. I miss them both already.

I am also looking forward to having some time with Cathy and Hazel. I am trying to revive my socio-emotional relationship with those I am closest with. After all, they are all good friends and close to my heart.

NZ – With a sigh, I feel a bit downhearted that the process was stalled by the lack of funds. I forgot I had to buy Josh books which cost 2T and some groceries for school stuff. Well, that had eaten up the budget for NZ plus with Meralco’s 2.7T bill, what can I say.

I am counting on a coming SSS loan (yet to be processed)… I surely need part of that to start the NZ thingy again.. I am still putting so much hope on it. I hope some blessings will come.

6/18/2005 1:30:27 AM

NZPar

As I was scrolling through the email in Jehu’s mailbox, my heart pounded so terribly. T’was the email we’ve been longing for. In less than 6 days, the result of the PAR arrived. Slowly I scrolled down. I was trying to understand every word it says as my heart beat faster. Huh! What a sigh of relief to know that ABC was recognized and assessed as Level 5, the minimum requirement for one to qualify. Whew, what a day!

When I went down to buy something to keep my mouth busy, I could not help but think and thank God over and over and over for the blessing that He gave. Another answered prayer. I could not help but cry at the thought at how God have been so good to us and how blessings start to come.

My next worry would be to have myself assessed so we can claim points for my qualification before we even worry for the EOI.

I am praying Mom would share her blessings when she goes to the land of honey and milk and hopefully we can slowly inch our way to our goal, God willing.

The Wedding Dreamer

This morning I had my second bout of the same theme in my dream about someone getting married and I, being the bridesmaid. This morning was my father’s wedding. The previous time was my cousin’s wedding and another weird counterpart was a dream about a suppose attendance to a wedding but instead found ourselves in other person’s wedding.

Mom said that dreams about weddings, so long as one is wearing white is a good sign. Maybe she meant it brings luck. Hope so. With Uncle Dingdong’s retirement and Mama’s going back to the US, hope it means something for us already - a fulfillment of our long time dream to move further, literally further to a land where the Lord knows where.

We need to move there by whatever means as we have already bankrupted several pockets and we have obligations to those we indebted throughout our lives.

Am I Sane?

My talent for writing has been overcome with the lack of interest and sad to say it is slowly deteriorating. For most reasons, I write when I have something inside me that needs to get released. When I am depressed, I can write long journals. It has been a good release for me and I am the type of person who likes flowers in the garden but not in my journal.

I am not depressed now, but worried. I long wanted to write these emotions but I just don’t know where to start and how to express it. Or maybe, I am too confused to write it.

Not a single moment that I’m alone that I can focus on one single thought. They come in different forms and shapes. It is like I am insane or crazy. Maybe my husband is right about me - that I’m crazy.

Have you heard of 31 year olds who still have identity crisis? Can you count me in and make me a double 'A' member? Or shall I call this a career crisis? Now, I am more confused.

I am not sad, nor depressed. I can rate my present state as being happy. I am just not fulfilled. Because I still have so much unfinished business. Dreams as they call it.

I know fulfillment is synonymous to contentment. That is not what I have.

They say people can never be contented. True. Especially when they know they have so much to accomplish yet.

Personally, the things I want to accomplish are not for me but for the people around me.

Just this morning, I felt regretful on some things in life that I cannot change.

Damn, why did the Amatong’s named their school Andres Bonifacio College? Funny? Nope. I don’t think so. If you’re one individual who never thinks of going out of your province to work, you can live with that funny sounding name but for us and those countless individual trying to explore the outside world...hah! Honestly, it is really funny.

Why blame the Amatongs for being so patriotic and not somewhat religious? Why of all the names they had chosen Andres Bonifacio? Why not, St...something?

I don’t know why I am so ashamed to say I graduated from ABC. Not when I am in Dipolog, of course. But when I am in Cebu and in Manila, I really don't like people asking me from what school I graduated. You can see people's "ah, okay thingy" expression. Damn, it’s the culture man. Buti nalang I graduated with honors. It pulled up my ego, somehow!

Know why I am disheartened as I am today? Because I am nervous about the result of the NZ PAR. I know ABC has a big chance of being recognized much as the Riverbanks School (also from nowhere) is recognized.

Know what? There are really a lot of things that I wanted to write that I do not want to write. Things that I have been avoiding to think and focus on. They are called failures. Yah, plenty of them. Costly failures.

I hope I don’t dream of them when I close my eyes. They haunt me like nightmares.