A sigh of relief that the "list" was finally released and my name was not in there. A temporary moment of rejoicing while anticipating more changes in the coming months or even weeks.
I am not dreading the thought of going into a voice account. I am afraid of having to be in an account where I cannot have the flexibility when it comes to scheduled shifts. That is one obvious reason why I cling on to the present.
Maybe that's how you call it especially when you are anticipating the uncertain.
Uncertainties at work is slowing creeping up everyone's spine now except for those who had made up their minds already on where they would wanna go. In a few days time, part of the team will go. I can only hope that I will not be among them. I wish to stay not because I am afraid to move on. Infact, should I choose to embrace change voluntarily, it would be to my advantage. A new learning experience, a better chance to improve my skills. But no, not this time while I am anticipating other things.
Come what may! I will take things to new heights whatever is the outcome of all these anticipation moments.
Ah... it's been more than a year already. I could only breath a sigh of relief that I was able to survive what I consider the toughest year in my life. Indeed, a series of unfortunate events!
May 27, 2004 - I was crying hysterically in the conference room in our office with two of my best friends (co-managers) comforting me, obviously not knowing what to say. It was the day I felt for the first time what others call "the whole world crushing on you" experience. I can only affirm. Weeks before that some crisis had already started. I learned I was a co-dependent. Those who had been there know what I meant by the term. And on that day, the 27th of May, another burden was laid upon my shoulder. Needless to say, I went home that day, weeping and with a great question in my heart - WHY? Why all at the same time? Why now?
Now I had understood that they were part of the series of those unfortunate events. It happened to complete the story.
Nobody could completely understand what I went through this same time of the year last year. Not even those people whom I shared the story with. Not even those people whom I share the pain with. It was like armageddon.
But it was not the end of the world as I thought. It was the beginning of a greater pain. The pain of being co-dependent.
Every day was excruciatingly painful. Every time I woke up, I wish I never did. I was torn between giving up and having hope, the former, the stronger force. Everything was in a dark tunnel. Everything. Everyday was a living hell.
Restless. Depressed. Hopeless. In agony. Those words were not even enough to describe how I felt.
After over four months of full struggle, things started to fall into their right places. I could not decipher how. I don't even know how I survived. There is only one thing I am sure. It wasn't the work of man. I am not even sure if it was our faith.. but for certain, it has something to do with Divine powers.
I am still filled with awe and wonder.
He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way!
It has evolved through the years.
A high school friend's name is Aking. When he became my boyfriend, he gave me my codename, Ikang. When my college friends discovered a letter I received from him, they started teasing me by that name. So be it! My yearbook team shortcut it to Ikz. Since then I was Ikang to my college buddies and Ikz to my J10 buddies. Ikx came out when I misspelled a username name I created.
Many people had asked me why Ikz or Ikx. It's history. It's unique. It's me.
I was surprised to have that name popped up on my mind. I have forgotten about it already. It's been years.
I have forgotten what it originally meant. To me it is something else. It means the 10th of July.
Linabo Days!
Eleven years have passed. The memory is still fresh. The friendship is still stable. The love is still strong.
How can I forget that day when I ran away from the hustle of the city and decided to spend the night in the mountain with all male friends. Gosh! Good they did not rape me, else they will all fall into that deep cliff beside our tent.
It was fun, so much fun. It was chilling cold. It was drizzling and windy yet the view of the city was overwhelming.
It was the night.
The next day, there was love in the air already. Nobody knew. Nobody felt it. Weeks later they could not believe it. They were frustrated.
All the while I thought they were happy but they were actually frustrated.
I couldn't believe it they were. It gives me laughs.
No. I am not.
Infact, blogging was in not in my language. I thought all the while that it invades privacy. Until I got across the blogsite of a friend and I realize that it does not have to be public like those which are in Friendster. And even if it does, they don't know me anyway.
So, I was inspired to create one, to back-up my journal which I just scribble on any piece of paper I pick up and those which were in my personal computer.
But I am a desperate writer, I admit, because I envy those people who have or still have the ingenuity for writing. I have lost mine a few years back.
I only tend to write when either when I am depressed or confused.
Now, it's different. I am more confused.
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Interesting Test.
These are my results.
1. Priorities - Family, Love, Pride, Career, Money
2. I see myself as a friend. I see my spouse as lazy. I see my enemies as a menace. I see sex as pampagising. I see my life as a journey.
3. Lani - someone I will never forget; Mama - my true friend; Jehu - someone that I really love; Joshua - my twin soul; Cathy Z - someone I will remember for the rest of my life.
It was supposed to be Sean but it was less christian so we opted for Joshua. Now we realized that it was the most common name in his generation. Nonetheless, no regrets.
He is an angel. The most caring, sensitive, sweet little angel that I know of. Of course, he does not inherit it from his Mom. We are just the opposite. But opposites attract. We are best friends. We can talk at his level or at our level.
We talk about death, life, finances. He takes part in planning for our future.
He dreams a lot. He wants to get rich... very rich.. so he can be Batman.
He installs his own software - one thing I hate. I keep uninstalling, he keeps reinstalling things. He knows where to find serial numbers. He knows how to crack files. He spies on my password. Urggh! So, I opted to give him a freehand in computer. He even operates his Dad's AutoCAD.
Yet, he is so serious when it comes to his studies. Hope it does not wane.
They are my regular visitors. My grandfather, my cousin and my grandmother. One thing in common - they are all dead. They say that when your dead visits you, they don't usually talk to you.
True. But at least, I got to hug my cousin.
They have their own ways of showing up. My grandfather visits me in our old house. My grandmother takes me back to the house in Cebu. Encounters with my cousins are, on the other hand, mostly emotional.
I know they need me.. they need my prayers.May they rest in peace.
This is quite a long gap between the last time I wrote the last journal and today… 28 days to be exact. Reason? Maybe, just getting bored with writing again. May 28 Josh arrived from his vacation. Since then, you understand how life is. But since he came home from that long vacation, things have been very good for us. We become closer to each other. He is sooo fun to listen to. Super Bisdak! And he has become very talkative already. And there was school time.
This is the first week of school and I am enjoying the routine. Next week will be different. Back to the real world.. that I cannot pick him up after school 5 days a week. It is exciting to see him goes to school and it is scary also. Maybe because I have set a high expectation of what he will accomplish as a first grader.
Every thing seems to be going very fine for the whole family. Every one is cool tempered and sweet.
Tomorrow, we are going swimming. We are invited to Mary Ann’s son’s birthday in Antipolo. And after that, I will be off to a get together of our team at the Red Gate’s place (actually, Toots’ place). It will be the first time I’m going out with PS people. Should Yvette’s schedule not canceled, I could have been very busy for two weeks. Next week, I might be going out with Ginger and Lynn. I miss them both already.
I am also looking forward to having some time with Cathy and Hazel. I am trying to revive my socio-emotional relationship with those I am closest with. After all, they are all good friends and close to my heart.
NZ – With a sigh, I feel a bit downhearted that the process was stalled by the lack of funds. I forgot I had to buy Josh books which cost 2T and some groceries for school stuff. Well, that had eaten up the budget for NZ plus with Meralco’s 2.7T bill, what can I say.
I am counting on a coming SSS loan (yet to be processed)… I surely need part of that to start the NZ thingy again.. I am still putting so much hope on it. I hope some blessings will come.
6/18/2005 1:30:27 AM
As I was scrolling through the email in Jehu’s mailbox, my heart pounded so terribly. T’was the email we’ve been longing for. In less than 6 days, the result of the PAR arrived. Slowly I scrolled down. I was trying to understand every word it says as my heart beat faster. Huh! What a sigh of relief to know that ABC was recognized and assessed as Level 5, the minimum requirement for one to qualify. Whew, what a day!
When I went down to buy something to keep my mouth busy, I could not help but think and thank God over and over and over for the blessing that He gave. Another answered prayer. I could not help but cry at the thought at how God have been so good to us and how blessings start to come.
My next worry would be to have myself assessed so we can claim points for my qualification before we even worry for the EOI.
I am praying Mom would share her blessings when she goes to the land of honey and milk and hopefully we can slowly inch our way to our goal, God willing.
This morning I had my second bout of the same theme in my dream about someone getting married and I, being the bridesmaid. This morning was my father’s wedding. The previous time was my cousin’s wedding and another weird counterpart was a dream about a suppose attendance to a wedding but instead found ourselves in other person’s wedding.
Mom said that dreams about weddings, so long as one is wearing white is a good sign. Maybe she meant it brings luck. Hope so. With Uncle Dingdong’s retirement and Mama’s going back to the US, hope it means something for us already - a fulfillment of our long time dream to move further, literally further to a land where the Lord knows where.
We need to move there by whatever means as we have already bankrupted several pockets and we have obligations to those we indebted throughout our lives.
My talent for writing has been overcome with the lack of interest and sad to say it is slowly deteriorating. For most reasons, I write when I have something inside me that needs to get released. When I am depressed, I can write long journals. It has been a good release for me and I am the type of person who likes flowers in the garden but not in my journal.
I am not depressed now, but worried. I long wanted to write these emotions but I just don’t know where to start and how to express it. Or maybe, I am too confused to write it.
Not a single moment that I’m alone that I can focus on one single thought. They come in different forms and shapes. It is like I am insane or crazy. Maybe my husband is right about me - that I’m crazy.
Have you heard of 31 year olds who still have identity crisis? Can you count me in and make me a double 'A' member? Or shall I call this a career crisis? Now, I am more confused.
I am not sad, nor depressed. I can rate my present state as being happy. I am just not fulfilled. Because I still have so much unfinished business. Dreams as they call it.
I know fulfillment is synonymous to contentment. That is not what I have.
They say people can never be contented. True. Especially when they know they have so much to accomplish yet.
Personally, the things I want to accomplish are not for me but for the people around me.
Just this morning, I felt regretful on some things in life that I cannot change.
Damn, why did the Amatong’s named their school Andres Bonifacio College? Funny? Nope. I don’t think so. If you’re one individual who never thinks of going out of your province to work, you can live with that funny sounding name but for us and those countless individual trying to explore the outside world...hah! Honestly, it is really funny.
Why blame the Amatongs for being so patriotic and not somewhat religious? Why of all the names they had chosen Andres Bonifacio? Why not, St...something?
I don’t know why I am so ashamed to say I graduated from ABC. Not when I am in Dipolog, of course. But when I am in Cebu and in Manila, I really don't like people asking me from what school I graduated. You can see people's "ah, okay thingy" expression. Damn, it’s the culture man. Buti nalang I graduated with honors. It pulled up my ego, somehow!
Know why I am disheartened as I am today? Because I am nervous about the result of the NZ PAR. I know ABC has a big chance of being recognized much as the Riverbanks School (also from nowhere) is recognized.
Know what? There are really a lot of things that I wanted to write that I do not want to write. Things that I have been avoiding to think and focus on. They are called failures. Yah, plenty of them. Costly failures.
I hope I don’t dream of them when I close my eyes. They haunt me like nightmares.
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