Dreams808

Just another series of wild dreams from the creative mind of the author.

I was convinced that no mosquito has bitten me during my sleep today, much more not on my heel but I was itching so much on those places in my sleep. To my horror, I found out that those mosquitos were not from the outside from the inside. The inside of my body, my heels and foot in particular. As they come out and emerge from my feet, they produces itchiness.

Then because of that I was exorcised by a man who looked familiar but whom I could not identify who. Ano ako possessed? But anyhow, while he was exorcising, he was pushing my back which gave me so much pain. I was trying to scream in my sleep from the pain but I couldn't hear my voice. After a long struggle, I was freed and the next scene I know was they were looking for some infestations in our area.


There was digging and more diggings until they found different carcasses including that of a gigantic rodent and a man. Yaiks! Na naman! Another horrid dream.

Jehu paid the man a thousand bucks for that.

Hmn, I hope the dream does not mean anything. Not related to future events that's gonna happen. God forbids!

On a lighter note, I found some nice place in my dream. A pool which our neighbor built with waters so clear.

Waters in dreams, they say, signifies emotions. In my whole life, water has always been the constant object in my dreams. When it is clear, it means I am at peace and attune to my present emotions. I believe so.

That's what Friends are for!

A few days more to go and we will be celebrating our first year anniversary in the company. Time seems to pass by so quickly. This is so far the best corporate year I ever had after 5 long years. That is because this is so far the best job (though not the best paying job) that I ever have in terms of work load and pressure. It is incomparable considering what I went through as a banker and a human resource practitioner.

This is the only job that has enabled me to balance both family and work not compromising one for the other. This is why PS rocks!

In my 12 months stay, I have developed close and not so close friendship. Maybe because I am very selective with whom I associate with.

Just like the UBP days! Gosh!

The UBP times was the best in terms of friendship. That was the most solid friendship I ever had (next to YM). Without them, life would be so damn dull and hectic. It was the most pressured work by experience, so without those people, I would have been dead eight years ago. It was kinda sad when each of us has to go on our separate ways first by individual marriages then when we were scattered into the operations department then finally, by migration.

I could still recall those Cebu Plaza or Sacred Hearts nights when we would waddle in the pool at night and eat lumi afterwards - or the Tambuli and White Sand days when we would walk around the beach in our swimming suit. Goodness! I am pretty sure it would be hard to do that now without facing so much shame. There are too much memories to mention but each is carefully embedded in my heart. How I miss their company!

But as life moves on, we meet other people, other deserving people. People whom we can never forget. People who also become part of our lives and who also occupy spaces in our hearts. I am thankful that I was able to have and keep them.

Time may pass by so quickly but each year will be joyfully remembered. It is because of them - FRIENDS!

Temporary Assignment

That's life!

Temporary. Borrowed. Transient.

We are living on borrowed time. It is foolish to think that everything is under our control because it is not.

I may want to believe that the Lord will grant me a long life but how can I exactly tell that I will live that long to see my child grow old? How can I exactly tell that I will grow old with my husband or he will grow old with me? There is no way.

When the Lord calls me or my loved ones home, who am I to say no? Who am I to stop it from happening?

Fear.

So much fear in my heart.

Dreams Recounted

My head was so heavy today. I was not able to sleep the whole day which I attributed to the caffeine overload I had the previous night. The culprit was the new vendo machine plus the whole time that we did nothing but chat and laugh. Our email system was down so we resorted to constant coffee breaks.

It was suppose to be Sunday, my day of rest because someone can take my place in watching over my babe. However, today was just not the same. When I forcefully woke up after being an unrestful sleep, a morbid thought flashed. Our team will be mourning for someone who died.

My day went on until I arrive in the office only to be greeted with a very shocking news. One of our team members died in a vehicular accident Sunday dawn. I quiver to the bones as a recalled the thought that occured to me earlier. How can that be?

I then recounted a dream I had on Friday morning (of course I sleep during daytime). I was in a small room (probably a rest room) made of wood along the side of a hill when suddenly thousands of bats came flying toward the area. As I was trying to hold on to the door of the room, I saw a big tornado coming. What was worst with the tornado was that it looked like an alien. I then sought refuge on the rocks along the hillside. I was almost hit by the passing tornado.

When I looked on the right side of the hill, I saw a truck or somehow a vehicle that looks like one and a car following it when suddenly the truck was somehow backing out overrunning the car. I wanted to scream at the sight but I saw that the car was now on top of a parked car slowly slipping down the snowy area. A sight difficult to describe that if I only know how to draw, I can vividly sketch it. The driver was a lady.

The next scene I was standing beside a male friend as we were talking what he did when the tornado passed by. End of the dream.

What scared me as I recounted the dream was the interruption I got from one of my teammates. I was told that Daniel's car indeed hit a car that was backing out. End of story.

This has not happened the first time. This is the reason why it scares me to the bone if I have dreams like that. The 911 tragedy, the Edsa bus bombing and a whole lot more.

Dreams. Warnings. Emotions.

Huh!

Gratitude

About a month ago we were invited to the birthday party of my childhood friend's son who was turning two. We went to a mountain resort in Antipolo. While we were in my friend's house waiting for the ride, I couldn't help but think how some people are just lucky financially. They were not really rich but it just occured to me that amongst our circle of friends, few really got lucky to be considered stable when it comes to their finances. Unfortunately, we are not among them. Although we are not really in a state of financial depression, it is still a struggle for us to become financially independent.

As the day was about to end, my friend's husband who was already drunk went out of himself and became a raving lunatic for reasons only known to him. The celebration turned into a disaster that even Barney (the decor on the cake) for sure got his share of terror when it was smashed on the floor.

It was then that I realized I have so much to thank the Lord for. I felt saddened that I envied other people's financial status because I failed to look at the great blessing that I already have. When I look at my family I couldn't say more. I already have a loving and kind husband and a very wonderful and intelligent boy. They are worth more than any material reward I can have on earth. Having them in my life is already too much to ask for.

The List

A sigh of relief that the "list" was finally released and my name was not in there. A temporary moment of rejoicing while anticipating more changes in the coming months or even weeks.

I am not dreading the thought of going into a voice account. I am afraid of having to be in an account where I cannot have the flexibility when it comes to scheduled shifts. That is one obvious reason why I cling on to the present.

Anticipation Anxiety

Maybe that's how you call it especially when you are anticipating the uncertain.

Uncertainties at work is slowing creeping up everyone's spine now except for those who had made up their minds already on where they would wanna go. In a few days time, part of the team will go. I can only hope that I will not be among them. I wish to stay not because I am afraid to move on. Infact, should I choose to embrace change voluntarily, it would be to my advantage. A new learning experience, a better chance to improve my skills. But no, not this time while I am anticipating other things.

Come what may! I will take things to new heights whatever is the outcome of all these anticipation moments.

In Mysterious Ways

Ah... it's been more than a year already. I could only breath a sigh of relief that I was able to survive what I consider the toughest year in my life. Indeed, a series of unfortunate events!

May 27, 2004 - I was crying hysterically in the conference room in our office with two of my best friends (co-managers) comforting me, obviously not knowing what to say. It was the day I felt for the first time what others call "the whole world crushing on you" experience. I can only affirm. Weeks before that some crisis had already started. I learned I was a co-dependent. Those who had been there know what I meant by the term. And on that day, the 27th of May, another burden was laid upon my shoulder. Needless to say, I went home that day, weeping and with a great question in my heart - WHY? Why all at the same time? Why now?

Now I had understood that they were part of the series of those unfortunate events. It happened to complete the story.

Nobody could completely understand what I went through this same time of the year last year. Not even those people whom I shared the story with. Not even those people whom I share the pain with. It was like armageddon.

But it was not the end of the world as I thought. It was the beginning of a greater pain. The pain of being co-dependent.

Every day was excruciatingly painful. Every time I woke up, I wish I never did. I was torn between giving up and having hope, the former, the stronger force. Everything was in a dark tunnel. Everything. Everyday was a living hell.

Restless. Depressed. Hopeless. In agony. Those words were not even enough to describe how I felt.

After over four months of full struggle, things started to fall into their right places. I could not decipher how. I don't even know how I survived. There is only one thing I am sure. It wasn't the work of man. I am not even sure if it was our faith.. but for certain, it has something to do with Divine powers.

I am still filled with awe and wonder.

He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way!

The Legend Behind the Code

It has evolved through the years.

A high school friend's name is Aking. When he became my boyfriend, he gave me my codename, Ikang. When my college friends discovered a letter I received from him, they started teasing me by that name. So be it! My yearbook team shortcut it to Ikz. Since then I was Ikang to my college buddies and Ikz to my J10 buddies. Ikx came out when I misspelled a username name I created.

Many people had asked me why Ikz or Ikx. It's history. It's unique. It's me.

Memories of J10

I was surprised to have that name popped up on my mind. I have forgotten about it already. It's been years.

I have forgotten what it originally meant. To me it is something else. It means the 10th of July.

Linabo Days!

Eleven years have passed. The memory is still fresh. The friendship is still stable. The love is still strong.

How can I forget that day when I ran away from the hustle of the city and decided to spend the night in the mountain with all male friends. Gosh! Good they did not rape me, else they will all fall into that deep cliff beside our tent.

It was fun, so much fun. It was chilling cold. It was drizzling and windy yet the view of the city was overwhelming.

It was the night.

The next day, there was love in the air already. Nobody knew. Nobody felt it. Weeks later they could not believe it. They were frustrated.

All the while I thought they were happy but they were actually frustrated.

I couldn't believe it they were. It gives me laughs.

Dezperate Blogger

No. I am not.

Infact, blogging was in not in my language. I thought all the while that it invades privacy. Until I got across the blogsite of a friend and I realize that it does not have to be public like those which are in Friendster. And even if it does, they don't know me anyway.

So, I was inspired to create one, to back-up my journal which I just scribble on any piece of paper I pick up and those which were in my personal computer.

But I am a desperate writer, I admit, because I envy those people who have or still have the ingenuity for writing. I have lost mine a few years back.

I only tend to write when either when I am depressed or confused.

Now, it's different. I am more confused.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The Tibetan Test

Interesting Test.

These are my results.

1. Priorities - Family, Love, Pride, Career, Money
2. I see myself as a friend. I see my spouse as lazy. I see my enemies as a menace. I see sex as pampagising. I see my life as a journey.
3. Lani - someone I will never forget; Mama - my true friend; Jehu - someone that I really love; Joshua - my twin soul; Cathy Z - someone I will remember for the rest of my life.

My Josh

It was supposed to be Sean but it was less christian so we opted for Joshua. Now we realized that it was the most common name in his generation. Nonetheless, no regrets.

He is an angel. The most caring, sensitive, sweet little angel that I know of. Of course, he does not inherit it from his Mom. We are just the opposite. But opposites attract. We are best friends. We can talk at his level or at our level.

We talk about death, life, finances. He takes part in planning for our future.

He dreams a lot. He wants to get rich... very rich.. so he can be Batman.

He installs his own software - one thing I hate. I keep uninstalling, he keeps reinstalling things. He knows where to find serial numbers. He knows how to crack files. He spies on my password. Urggh! So, I opted to give him a freehand in computer. He even operates his Dad's AutoCAD.

Yet, he is so serious when it comes to his studies. Hope it does not wane.

The Visit

They are my regular visitors. My grandfather, my cousin and my grandmother. One thing in common - they are all dead. They say that when your dead visits you, they don't usually talk to you.

True. But at least, I got to hug my cousin.

They have their own ways of showing up. My grandfather visits me in our old house. My grandmother takes me back to the house in Cebu. Encounters with my cousins are, on the other hand, mostly emotional.

I know they need me.. they need my prayers.May they rest in peace.

Am Back!

This is quite a long gap between the last time I wrote the last journal and today… 28 days to be exact. Reason? Maybe, just getting bored with writing again. May 28 Josh arrived from his vacation. Since then, you understand how life is. But since he came home from that long vacation, things have been very good for us. We become closer to each other. He is sooo fun to listen to. Super Bisdak! And he has become very talkative already. And there was school time.

This is the first week of school and I am enjoying the routine. Next week will be different. Back to the real world.. that I cannot pick him up after school 5 days a week. It is exciting to see him goes to school and it is scary also. Maybe because I have set a high expectation of what he will accomplish as a first grader.

Every thing seems to be going very fine for the whole family. Every one is cool tempered and sweet.

Tomorrow, we are going swimming. We are invited to Mary Ann’s son’s birthday in Antipolo. And after that, I will be off to a get together of our team at the Red Gate’s place (actually, Toots’ place). It will be the first time I’m going out with PS people. Should Yvette’s schedule not canceled, I could have been very busy for two weeks. Next week, I might be going out with Ginger and Lynn. I miss them both already.

I am also looking forward to having some time with Cathy and Hazel. I am trying to revive my socio-emotional relationship with those I am closest with. After all, they are all good friends and close to my heart.

NZ – With a sigh, I feel a bit downhearted that the process was stalled by the lack of funds. I forgot I had to buy Josh books which cost 2T and some groceries for school stuff. Well, that had eaten up the budget for NZ plus with Meralco’s 2.7T bill, what can I say.

I am counting on a coming SSS loan (yet to be processed)… I surely need part of that to start the NZ thingy again.. I am still putting so much hope on it. I hope some blessings will come.

6/18/2005 1:30:27 AM

NZPar

As I was scrolling through the email in Jehu’s mailbox, my heart pounded so terribly. T’was the email we’ve been longing for. In less than 6 days, the result of the PAR arrived. Slowly I scrolled down. I was trying to understand every word it says as my heart beat faster. Huh! What a sigh of relief to know that ABC was recognized and assessed as Level 5, the minimum requirement for one to qualify. Whew, what a day!

When I went down to buy something to keep my mouth busy, I could not help but think and thank God over and over and over for the blessing that He gave. Another answered prayer. I could not help but cry at the thought at how God have been so good to us and how blessings start to come.

My next worry would be to have myself assessed so we can claim points for my qualification before we even worry for the EOI.

I am praying Mom would share her blessings when she goes to the land of honey and milk and hopefully we can slowly inch our way to our goal, God willing.

The Wedding Dreamer

This morning I had my second bout of the same theme in my dream about someone getting married and I, being the bridesmaid. This morning was my father’s wedding. The previous time was my cousin’s wedding and another weird counterpart was a dream about a suppose attendance to a wedding but instead found ourselves in other person’s wedding.

Mom said that dreams about weddings, so long as one is wearing white is a good sign. Maybe she meant it brings luck. Hope so. With Uncle Dingdong’s retirement and Mama’s going back to the US, hope it means something for us already - a fulfillment of our long time dream to move further, literally further to a land where the Lord knows where.

We need to move there by whatever means as we have already bankrupted several pockets and we have obligations to those we indebted throughout our lives.

Am I Sane?

My talent for writing has been overcome with the lack of interest and sad to say it is slowly deteriorating. For most reasons, I write when I have something inside me that needs to get released. When I am depressed, I can write long journals. It has been a good release for me and I am the type of person who likes flowers in the garden but not in my journal.

I am not depressed now, but worried. I long wanted to write these emotions but I just don’t know where to start and how to express it. Or maybe, I am too confused to write it.

Not a single moment that I’m alone that I can focus on one single thought. They come in different forms and shapes. It is like I am insane or crazy. Maybe my husband is right about me - that I’m crazy.

Have you heard of 31 year olds who still have identity crisis? Can you count me in and make me a double 'A' member? Or shall I call this a career crisis? Now, I am more confused.

I am not sad, nor depressed. I can rate my present state as being happy. I am just not fulfilled. Because I still have so much unfinished business. Dreams as they call it.

I know fulfillment is synonymous to contentment. That is not what I have.

They say people can never be contented. True. Especially when they know they have so much to accomplish yet.

Personally, the things I want to accomplish are not for me but for the people around me.

Just this morning, I felt regretful on some things in life that I cannot change.

Damn, why did the Amatong’s named their school Andres Bonifacio College? Funny? Nope. I don’t think so. If you’re one individual who never thinks of going out of your province to work, you can live with that funny sounding name but for us and those countless individual trying to explore the outside world...hah! Honestly, it is really funny.

Why blame the Amatongs for being so patriotic and not somewhat religious? Why of all the names they had chosen Andres Bonifacio? Why not, St...something?

I don’t know why I am so ashamed to say I graduated from ABC. Not when I am in Dipolog, of course. But when I am in Cebu and in Manila, I really don't like people asking me from what school I graduated. You can see people's "ah, okay thingy" expression. Damn, it’s the culture man. Buti nalang I graduated with honors. It pulled up my ego, somehow!

Know why I am disheartened as I am today? Because I am nervous about the result of the NZ PAR. I know ABC has a big chance of being recognized much as the Riverbanks School (also from nowhere) is recognized.

Know what? There are really a lot of things that I wanted to write that I do not want to write. Things that I have been avoiding to think and focus on. They are called failures. Yah, plenty of them. Costly failures.

I hope I don’t dream of them when I close my eyes. They haunt me like nightmares.